Couples Counselling

Given the fact that our intimate relationships are kept very private, individuals often hesitate in seeking assistance as they try their best to also keep any difficult experiences within their romantic relationships private.

By trying to work through difficulties experienced on their own they often fail to objectively identify and address the mall maladaptive patterns of interaction each have. A lot of their views, beliefs, ideals and patterns of behaviour and interaction developed over many years within their house environment with their families and relatives.

However, this is a new role, that the individual coming into the role only had an outside observational view of prior to engaging in a romantic relationship of their own. It didn’t come with a manual, and they would not have been made aware that some of the behaviours observed had at times resulted in difficulties inside of the observed relationship.

The way of interacting as a husband/partner had been modelled to an individual, but one must understand that the other romantic partner had entirely a different modelling experience. As a result, expectations could have developed of what to expect in a romantic relationship, but also through modelling and mirroring behaviours could have also developed that are detrimental.

Thus not being completely objective and uninvolved can cause an individual to fail at noticing what is actually causing the difficulty experienced.

Also, more often than not once an individual is trapped in patterns of learnt behaviours or conflicts they have difficulty escaping without objective non-biased external assistance, or without the acquisition of new skills that can be used to alter behavioural patterns.

Often relationships improve when specific skills are introduced to the couple, these can be communication skills, conflict resolution skills, or skills around intimacy, depending on the needs of the couple and the struggles that they bring to consultation.

In couples counselling or therapy my objective is to asses and assist couples in mindfully gaining without blame or judgement, personal insight on what exactly is happening, provide a chain analysis of the behaviours resulting effects, and identify with the couple the goal they would like to achieve within their relationship, in order for them to gain direction for their relationship.

Now one must know that this does not always result in a restored and saved relationship, at times when one really looks at the foundational nuts and bolts of a relationship, the deuteriation thereof is inevitable. But it is also true that often overcoming challenges faced within the relationship is more than possible.

This can be achieved by addressing specific aspects of the relationship like, the expectations around sexual intimacy, making decisions on who is going to be responsible for what part of the mental load, this is with regards to home or child responsibilities, and negotiating difficulties in adequate communication or affection.

Couples counselling or therapy is about mindfully and objectively becoming aware of where you are as a couple, then practically and systematically addressing the difficulties with a broader awareness and specific evidence-based skills, so that couples can take what they gain and apply these skills when engaging with one another more adaptively.  

• Couples counselling can also be helpful prior to engaging in a life-changing process, such as marriage through pre-marital counselling.
• Prior to or after the birth of a child, as the birth of a child drastically changes the dynamic of a couple’s relationship, or in the joining of different families into a blended family.

This is really about assisting individuals in or preparing them for upcoming changes within the dynamics of their daily lives, and dealing with the changes that will naturally result from moving from the individual as an independent to the new unit where personal preference needs to accommodate the well-being of another.

Couples counselling or therapy typically involves both partners attending sessions together, however, in my approach, I first see each individual separately to see where they are at mentally and emotionally, and what they individually expect from engaging in couples counselling or therapy. Once both clients have identified their motivation behind couples counselling or therapy clearly on an individual basis, joint sessions start.

Sometimes individual sessions may also be indicated and included to address personal difficulties that have a detrimental effect on the relationship.

However, the process is collaborative, with the registered counsellor or therapist guiding the couple through exercises, discussions, and strategies to improve their relationship and overall satisfaction.